Cursing Reproduction

29 Weeks

2009-12-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

Arm & Leg

Big Yawn!!!!

So we had our second attempt at the 3D/4D ultrasound today since little girl didn't cooperate the first time. As you can see we did get a few good ones. At our last ultrasound she was breech with her feet in her face, today she is transverse (sideways) and her feet are still in her face. Also, Leigha has decided her umbilical cord is a fun toy and apparently tastes good. We discovered that Leigha has pulled her umbilical cord in front of her face and we saw her licking it on the ultrasound. She also was trying to eat her fingers and toes......hopefully she will be a good breast feeder when she is born. After about 5 minutes Leigha gave us a big yawn and turned away from the camera. My belly has popped out the last two weeks also, definitely feeling the stretching and added weight. Can't wait to meet my little girl!!!!

Belly Pictures

2009-11-21T20:45:00.000-08:00

I have not been very good at keeping up my blog, so I thought I would give an update and post a few pictures. My belly is ever expanding and my little girl is growing bigger and getting stronger each day. I am still having morning sickness at 27 weeks and am anticipating this will be my norm until the end. My husband has been working out of state a lot before he gets laid off for the winter and unfortunately has missed quite a bit of this pregnancy. These days being alone and experiencing the majority of my pregnancy by myself is hitting me hard every day that passes. Doesn't take much these days to get the water works flowing.

On a very exciting note, I have a 3D/4D ultrasound tomorrow and can't wait to see my little girl's face. I planned this day for me and my husband to do something special together, and he is stuck in Kentucky for work :( I hope DD is looking strong and healthy and that she gives me a few good pictures for the scrapbook. I will post those pictures tomorrow or Monday.

Below is my belly picture from 23 weeks and then from today at 27 weeks!

Sigh of relief

2009-09-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

Baby Beck @ 15 weeks

I finally had a good doctor's appointment this last Monday. Along with my hyperemesis I have recently started spotting and having contractions. At my recent appointment we decided to stop all things that went in my PICC line and trial nausea pills instead. If I do well for a week or so and do not become violently ill again, the PICC line can come out!!!!!

This ultrasound picture was taken when the were measuring my cervical length to make sure the contractions were not thinning out my cervix. The good news is my cervical length is 5 which is great!!!! We also determined the cause of my spotting. I have a low lying placenta, which means it is sitting right next to my cervical opening. When the placenta covers any part of the cervical opening it can lead to bed rest and a c/s. At this point there is still time for the placenta to move up as the uterus expands, so I am doing my best to not worry :)

Our little baby Beck is holding strong and growing like a weed. He/she has become very found of his/her hand. In the last 2 ultrasounds the hand has been right up to the mouth. We will also be finding out the sex and make sure all the organs are formed and normal on the 28th of this month. Just a few more weeks!!!!!!!

Return to work take 2 will also occur on Monday (Labor Day) and then off to Iowa next weekend for my little sister's wedding. Hopefully the PICC line will be out so I don't ruin all of the wedding pictures :)

2009-08-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Baby Beck @ 12+3 weeks

Waiving at Mommy

2009-07-29T14:08:00.001-07:00

Baby Beck at 10 weeks

Everytime I get to see the baby it reminds me how blessed I am and that all the sickness and suffering I have gone through up to this point has been worth it!

I continue to have my PICC line in that is giving me fluids and nausea medicine. I will post a picture of the PICC line for those who have never seen one. Hopefully it will only have to be in 2-3 more weeks. I am still have good and bad days when it comes to eating and drinking, but definetly an improvement from before. I lost a couple more pounds making the grand total 15 pounds lost. I can' tell where the weight came from because I don't notice any difference. I am sure when I start eating normally again it will find it's way back to me :)

Sweet Baby

2009-07-02T16:57:00.000-07:00

Heart beat of 120

Measuring 6wks 2days

Bumpy Start

2009-06-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

I just got home from spending a week in the hospital. It all started with right sided abdominal pain that got worse as the days past. I was sure it was an ectopic pregnancy, but was thrilled to find out it was just a huge cyst that was twisting and causing all the pain.

I was admitted to the hospital for pain management and draining of the cyst. Normally they would just do a laparoscopy and fix the problem, but because I was newly pregnant they said it was too risky. Instead they stick a needle in your abdomen all the way to your ovary and aspirate the fluid out. It was INCREDIBLY painful. I yelled, cried, and had to be held down. Unfortunately the first time wasn't enough to make it go down so they had to do it again :( The second time they got a lot of fluid out and the rest is draining into my abdomen and will eventually be reabsorbed.

The only good thing that came from this was that they found a gestation sac and yolk sac in my uterus. I will go in on Wednesday and hopefully see a heartbeat. I just hope this was the only big hurdle I will have to face this pregnancy

2009-06-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

Awwwww, how wonderful it is to see this word blown up :) I can't wait until I have a nice ultrasound picture to post!

I had my first beta today at 14dpo and it was 103 with a progesterone of 45. I have a repeat beta on Wednesday and I will have my first u/s July 1st or 2nd. Still sick, but at least I know my little ones are growing

BFP!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

Finally after 2 yrs TTC since my miscarriage(3yrs in total) I saw those 2 pink lines and the heavenly word "pregnant" when I POAS. Last Tuesday I had been really sick! Nausea, vomiting, heartburn, and occasionally diarrhea. I ended up in the hospital needing hydration and thought it was the stomach flu or food poisoning. Well this nausea and occasionally vomiting has continued everyday since.

I decided to POAS 9 dpo just after my trigger shot had disappeared. When I casually went to throw the test in the garbage I saw a hint of a second line. I was pretty sure it was a BFP, but I wanted a darker test to be absolutely sure. The next morning I was granted my wish and the lines were darker :) Unfortunately my DH is working out of state and I had to tell him the news over the phone. He kept giggling and it was like I could "hear" his smile through the phone.

I am nervous and crazy excited at the same time. On one hand I "feel" like everything is going to be just fine and that this will finally give us our baby(ies). On the other hand I have miscarried before and can't help but be apprehensive. I pray that God is finally blessing us with our miracle.

I will have my betas on Monday and Wednesday. As long as things go well I will have my first u/s the beginning of July :)

PLEASE let this work......... PLEASE!

Nursing

2009-05-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

Come walk in our shoes for a 12-hour shift. Come see the joy, the tragedy, the comedy, the 100 ways we are pulled and pushed, then rate my "pleasant greeting", "answers call light in timely fashion", "states name of patient."Use the bathroom now, because you might not get the chance again until your shift ends. Wear comfortable shoes. Don't worry if they're clean. They'll end up with blood and vomit on them. We are the patient's advocate, the doctors' eyes and ears, and everyone's scapegoat. We can page your doctor but we can't make that doctor magically appear. We check your stitches, wipe your blood, drain your pus and empty your bedpan. Nursing is a tough job, but we're tougher. We've been yelled at by administrators, supervisors and doctors. We've been kicked, slapped, punched, spat on, and sexually harassed by patients in various states of delirium, mental illness, arrogance, and intoxication. We've even had chairs and food trays thrown at us. We work mandatory overtime, weekends and holidays. We eat Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with coworkers. We deal with families who ignore visiting hours, bring food to patients on restricted diets, and insist on staying the night even though it's not a private room. We deal with the Florida son who orders us around to show a parent whom he's neglected for years, that he cares. We help deliver your children into this world safely. We cannot be at your side every waking minute. We have 10 other patients. We cannot answer 5 call lights at once. We can't stop doing CPR on a patient because you ran out of tissues. We are not maids, beauticians, or cocktail waitresses. We are professionals with college degrees. We hate that we can't spend more bedside time with you. Swearing at us will not make us move faster. Taking better care of your health would help. Quit smoking. Lose weight. Start exercising. Stop drinking. How do we survive? We ignore the nasty comments, the demanding relatives, the crazy staffing grids. We count to 10 before speaking. We pray every morning for strength and wisdom, patience and empathy. We drive home tired and frustrated, telling ourselves over and over , "I'm not the nurse I want to be, but I'm the best nurse the hospital staffing allows me to be." We fall asleep praying for the ones who won't survive the night. There is no finish line, ever. Nursing is demanding, fulfilling, and we can't imagine doing anything else. Nothing beats washing blood and glass off a car crash survivor , stabilizing a broken neck, saving a diabetic's leg, keeping a cancer patient in remission. The day we send a patient home we relish the unbelievable resilience of the human body and spirit. We did not become nurses for the hours, the salary, or the glamour of it all. We became nurses to make a difference. We don't ask for much. One sincere "Thank You" makes it all worth it.

A New Beginning

2009-05-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

So IUI #1 was a bust and I am totally crushed. Each day that goes by I am a little better, but I did not think I would take a failed cycle that hard. I guess I just really thought it worked. Although I still don't think IVF is a path we will need to take (hopefully), it is still hard to be optimistic after a failed cycle.

Tomorrow marks a new week and a new cycle. I will start my femara tomorrow and continue with my cycle the same as with the first cycle. I requested adding a few days of an injection this cycle, but I am pretty sure my idea was shot down. Apparently being my age and having more than 2 follicles is "too risky". I just worry that it didn't work the first time, why would it work this time? Please God give me strength and optimism for this cycle

9 DPO

2009-05-04T16:55:00.001-07:00

The 2ww is making me nuts!!!! My DH keeps telling me not to look into things too much but I just can't. I had cramping 5-7dpo and immediately though implantation!!!!! I am so hopeful for this cycle and I hope my happiness continues. One thing that has been driving me nuts is that my breasts/nipples have not been as sore as they usually are. Is this a good sign or a bad sign?? My mind is driving me crazy. I am EXTREMELY tired and all I want to do is sleep through the rest of this 2ww. I know this post is kind of jumbled, but I feel a little better now. Hopefully the next time I post it will be with pictures of a BFP!!

Trigger Happy

2009-04-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

So my follicle check today showed that I am ready to ovulate!! My DH gave the trigger HCG shot at 8:30 pm and my IUI is scheduled for Saturday at 10:30 am. I am so ready for this. I am cautiously optimistic, but it is crazy to think in just 2 weeks I could be pregnant!

I can't wait to turn this into a pregnancy blog :)

Grow follies grow!

2009-04-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

I had my second follicle check today and things are moving aong smoothly. The two front runners measure 16mm and 15mm. I had 2 other follicles that the RE says are too small to fertalize if released. 2 eggs are perfect! That can get me 1 or 2 babies :)

The plan is to go back for another u/s on Thursday and more than likely trigger Thursday night with an IUI on Saturday morning!!!!! It will be here before I know it, but then the 2ww starts. Patience has never been my strong suit :)

First Follicle Check!

2009-04-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

Had my first follicle check today. I have 3 follies on my right side 11mm, 10mm, and 7.8mm. No follies on the left. My RE thinks the 11mm and 10mm will get mature enough to fertilize but doesn't think the 7.8mm one will make it. I have another u/s on Tues and IUI more than likely on Thursday or Friday.

I am getting so excited!!!!

2009-04-13T13:11:00.001-07:00

Wow it has been a while since I last posted. I am excited to announce that AF arrived and I have started my IUI cycle with Femara!!! It has hit me that it is real now and I am SCARED!!! I can't imagine how I would have been if they wouldn't have saved my tubes and I was doing IVF instead. I just really want this to work and am not sure how I will react if it doesn't....... I know I should try and relax and think positive but it is hard. Of course the Femara side effects have not been kind to me, but in the end it will be so worth it!!!! My first follicle check is on Saturday the 18th and they said to anticipate the IUI on Wednesday(22nd) or Friday(24th). Please pray that this works!!!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2009-02-17T18:45:00.000-08:00

As I have said before, I felt like I went through a grieving process when I was told my only option was IVF. I was upset that I never had the chance to try anything else. I know many of my infertility friends struggled through every step and ended at IVF, and by no means do I want to suffer through disappointment and heartache for the next couple months/years. I just hoped that maybe on of the other steps might work for me.

When I had my HSG and found out my tubes were blocked I was devastated! I was mad at the world. I finally came to terms with what I had to do to have my family and I was willing to do anything.

I had an exploratory laparascopy this morning to assess endometriosis and take my tubes out. My doctor was 95% sure that they needed to come out so to not further damage my future fertility. Before I went under I had finally realized I would wake up with two less parts.

Upon waking up I kept asking the nurse if my tubes were gone and how bad the endometriosis. The nurse said the doctor talked to my husband and he would tell me when he came back. I asked how long it took and she said about an hour, and I had a feeling it was bad.

My husband met me back in the recovery room and broke the news. My endometriosis was very small and my tubes.........were SAVED! I had tears in my eyes but had to contain myself because of my pain.

I thank God for giving me a light at the end of the tunnel. I will get my chance to try IUI before the IVF, and I pray it works. If not, we will move to IVF like we previously planned. All that matters is that we get our miracle.

Thank you God, and thank you all my infertility friends! Without your support and words of encouragement this would be unbearable. I keep each of you in my thoughts a prayers daily!

Uterus on Strike

2009-01-31T17:55:00.000-08:00

What a crappy last couple of weeks I have had. It is bad enough my reproductive organs don't want to help me TTC, but now my uterus is punishing me for something I am unaware of. I have been bleeding for 36 days now. Yes is said 36 DAYS!!!! Prior to that I had spotted for 21 days. I am not talking light bleeding either. Full blown, heavy, feel like I'm slowly bleeding to death, big scary clots bleeding!

I of course went to my OB to find out what the problem was, and she told me maybe I had a miscarriage and the bleeding would stop soon. WTF??? So I left and a few days later ended up in the ER. I had been soaking pads every 2 hours and started to feel really weak and dizzy. The ER doctor said my blood level was low. He ran a few tests and gave me lot of fluids and then told me to follow up with my OB.

I of course found myself a new OB, a GYN surgeon in fact. I was started on 400mg of progesterone to try and stop the bleeding. If the bleeding does not stop by the end of the week I have to have a D&C and then she will do the laparoscopy at the same time instead of the 17th.

I am just angry! My ovaries don't want to ovulate, my tubes won't let eggs through, and now my uterus wants to kill me! To top it all off I also have to get my tonsils out on the 20th! The uterus has been talking to other parts of my body and has started it's own picket line!

In the long run I am hoping the lap will better my chances at conceiving. The doctor will double check that my tubes are blocked before taking them out or tie them off, and will also clean up the endometriosis.

On another not, my sister had her D&C last Tuesday and is doing well. Her and he fiance have decided to get married Sep 12th now before TTC again.

Something in the Water

2009-01-10T17:11:00.000-08:00

As most of us go through our IF journey we will see many of our close friends and family conceive without effort and go on to have healthy, happy families. This becomes a difficult time for any of us. I myself am an OB nurse and work with pregnant, laboring, and postpartum women everyday. To make it more interesting I work at a high risk county hospital.

I see women having their 13th baby, doing drugs, not giving a shit, and then there are the rest of us that would die just to have one baby. Don't get me wrong, I see plenty of nice women just building their families that deserve to be parents too, it's just in the last few weeks I have seen multiple moms come in on cocaine and putting yet another child into foster care. I love my job, I wouldn't be able to deal with some of this stuff if I didn't, it's just some times it makes me so mad!

Onto another topic. My co-workers are popping up pregnant left and right. Everywhere I look I see growing bellies. Everyone keeps telling me "it's in the water" "just drink the water". I am highly doubtful that I will conceive just from drinking from their same water source. The last time I checked the grand total had reached 14 before 4 of them delivered. Recently 2 more co-workers have been added to the list. In the last 2 weeks we had 2 sets of twins and 2 singletons born! I am very happy for all my co-workers who are starting or adding on to their families, it just gets a lot harder when everyone around you is having great luck conceiving when your not. I do have a few fellow co-workers who are in the same boat as I am. One has already had a failed IVF cycle and is trying to figure out what her next step is. Another has just start metformin and clomid. I know I am not the only one struggling, but sometimes it is hard for me to be happy for all these people when I am so down about my own situation

Again moving on to another subject. In my previous post I had talked about my little sister becoming pregnant and how I was so upset, but still happy for her. She started spotting a few days ago and I told her to be seen in the clinic. On Monday she went in for and U/S and was supposed to be 7+4wks. The doctor told her she was 5+2 with a small SCH (subchorionic hemorrhage) The doc said he was "cautiously optimistic". The only problem with this is that she got a + HPT on Dec 19th and if she is only 5+2 then she would have been 2+9 when she got the +HPT. I am worried that the baby stopped growing. She is supposed to go in for a repeat U/S next Friday to see if they can see a heartbeat. I do not want her to miscarry and go through what I went through. Please pray that everything is o.k.

One last topic before I end this post. I have had AF now for 15 days!!!!!! Heavy bleeding with large clots for 15 days!!!! I have no clue what is going on. It is normal for me to have long cycles or patches of spotting, but no 15 days of consistent heavy bleeding. I am going to call my OB on Monday to make an appointment. I am just fed up with my reproductive organs!!!

This to shall pass..............

A New Year

2009-01-01T07:43:00.000-08:00

A new year has begun!!! I sure hope it is a better year than the last. This "new" year will mark the 3rd year of our TTC journey. 3 yrs.........never did I think it would take this long. My husband, being the optimistic one in this relationship, looked at me last night and said " Just think......this is going to be the year we get our family". Of course I started crying and tried to share in his optimism. It is a very exciting thought to think that I could have a baby(or babies) in my arms by the end of the year! Although I had this same thought in my mind at the beginning of last year, I am slightly more optimistic this year.

I have seen many people within our infertility world suffer this last year, and I hope this is a great year for all of us!

When is it MY turn??

2008-12-19T06:43:00.000-08:00

So I was up most of the night thinking about our infertility and what we will have to endure to have a family. I think I was just reprocessing things in my mind and having another sad realization that this was not going to happen the "easy" way. I woke this morning, early, not feeling very refreshed and got a call from my sister, whom I am very close with.

My sister and I have always been close. Growing up in bad family life we kind of clung to each other. She just turned 22yrs old and has a daughter who is just about 4yrs old. My sister had an "oops" when she was a teen from not taking birth control correctly and not using protection. She was supposed to be marrying fall '09 but due to "finances" they said they were just going to have another baby (like a baby is cheaper than a wedding!?!?) Well this morning she called to say she is PREGNANT..............

I did not know what to say to that. On one hand she is my sister and I love her and am very happy for her. On the other hand I was thinking it is MY turn. I know this sounds selfish, but her knowing what I am going through and then trying to get pregnant NOW??? I know she cannot put her life on hold because of my infertility, but get married, finish college, get on your feet before doing this again. I am ready! I am married! I am stable! The tears just poured from my eyes as I tried to congratulate her, feeling sad for myself and horrible that I was so angry. I will except this new niece/nephew with open arms, but when is it MY turn???

Think before you speak

2008-12-17T00:21:00.000-08:00

So I was working tonight and had a patient that just had her 10th baby. Like all of my patients, the dreaded "Do you have kids?" question was asked and I simply stated "not yet". Of course that answer is never good enough for them and I go more into depth. Well tonight this lady said something that for some reason did not sit well with me. My pt said that I should feel "LUCKY" for having to do IVF! I had to bite my tongue and just smile, but my whole drive home that is all I could think of. I know that I should feel grateful for finally having an answer and solution, but sometimes I feel cheated that I never had the chance to try any other fertility treatments. I by all means did not want to suffer a long, emotional, unsuccessful journey of TTC, but I also had IVF as a final step in my mind, not a starting point.

I always had a feeling that I was going to have problems TTC. I know it sounds crazy, but I remember crying to my OB when I was 16 yrs old, that I was scared I would have problems getting pregnant. She simply stated "you are so young and have plenty of time before you have to worry about that" Now, I am 25 yrs old with more reproductive problems than I ever imagined. How did this happen?????? Why me????? It's not fair!!!!!!! I do realize there are people who are far worse off than me, but I seem to be having my own pity party tonight