So I was up most of the night thinking about our infertility and what we will have to endure to have a family. I think I was just reprocessing things in my mind and having another sad realization that this was not going to happen the "easy" way. I woke this morning, early, not feeling very refreshed and got a call from my sister, whom I am very close with.
My sister and I have always been close. Growing up in bad family life we kind of clung to each other. She just turned 22yrs old and has a daughter who is just about 4yrs old. My sister had an "oops" when she was a teen from not taking birth control correctly and not using protection. She was supposed to be marrying fall '09 but due to "finances" they said they were just going to have another baby (like a baby is cheaper than a wedding!?!?) Well this morning she called to say she is PREGNANT..............
I did not know what to say to that. On one hand she is my sister and I love her and am very happy for her. On the other hand I was thinking it is MY turn. I know this sounds selfish, but her knowing what I am going through and then trying to get pregnant NOW??? I know she cannot put her life on hold because of my infertility, but get married, finish college, get on your feet before doing this again. I am ready! I am married! I am stable! The tears just poured from my eyes as I tried to congratulate her, feeling sad for myself and horrible that I was so angry. I will except this new niece/nephew with open arms, but when is it MY turn???
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Bobbi-oh girl, I know exactly what that feels like. I have said that so many times, when is it my turn. You look around you and it just hurts and I know the pain. At this time last year, I was saying, when is it my turn, this isn't fair. Your turn is next. I know it is going to happen for you. It is tough looking forward with IVF, but our clinic does make miracles and yours is next! Hang in there and just know that we are here for you and all of us IVF gals have something in common and we share that! You are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteMargit
Oh Bobbi- I got tears in my eyes just reading your post. I have been there so many times with friends and it stinks. I don't know what I would do if my sis got pregnant again. That is a tough one. I was just telling my SIL on Saturday night (while we were all drunk:)) that if they get pg that of course I will be happy for them, but I will be just so sad for myself that it overtakes the happiness that I have for others. Be gentle with yourself this holiday season. Your cycle will be starting soon and know that you are doing eveything you can to create your family. Hang in there, girl!
ReplyDeleteKris
New reader :O).
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. It's okay to be angry, jealous, and bitter. It really is. Even if it is your sister.